The Cotman Letters 1838-1864

97

Of the excellencies of my calling. Our time was passed
much together and a new impetus was given to my life.- I
would that I could recall those days when full of hope I
know not what was planned and expected..- Music I was
then passionately fond. I was young and vain and what to
youth seems so gratifying as the lavished attention of a
beautiful woman. We dream of love if we know it know
and oh how luscious so the dream.
At this time our visits for a day or two to the seaside were
frequent, and delicious, with a friend I esteemed nay admired
I passed the time leaving apparently all the world for the
time and living but for one another. Whatever jars our
friendship might have sustained were here obliterated and
we ever returned from our jaunt closer friends than ever.
I have never been fortunate in making friends that is I
have been wanting in that energy which would secure
to itself those it desired but I have enjoyed an intimate
friendship with two men of whom I have had every
reason to be proud; and with their kindness delighted.-
Circumstances called me from these friends and the
bustle of London was changed for the quiet of the
country and ones family and friends were changed for
almost lonelyness. My father who was my constant com-
panion was, like me less happy and cheerful wanting
his family around him.
One year in London hating it. I became anxious as the
year ended about my fitness to practice my notions of
inability over ruled by my friends. Commencement. Success
unlooked for kindness of friends the healthful effect
of early independence I felt strongly in my calling powers
into play that would not have under other circumstances
existed.- At this time I was much harrassed by dis-
agreements among friends I acted weakly and suffered
much from depression of spirits imagined and not