The Cotman Letters 1804-1833

(pencil note) 99
[22.7.26]
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was going to say- cheerful - but that's impossible) collected, 'Tis all I can expect. I must now shew (sic) the Actor, I have been one for years & years, and have only dropt (sic) my mask but at the sight of others' loss , and at the touch of kindness. Let me but save my wife & children, and know they are happy & likely to continue so - and I should die happy. I have lived but for them lately, for my own views have been long ago entirely destroyed. I am as now as nothing - But when I look towards futurity for my childrenI really have no earhly chance. I trust solely to my God. Edmund my fellow [labours], prospects are dead before passing before my eyes, they [rush, they obtende (?obtund)]themselves. Sir, he has set steadily to work from 9 o'clock till 6 - totally against my wishes. I have seen the effects on his tired face. I may have fortitude, but I may not sleep. Sir, I have destroyed my child, my friend, my companion. I am crushed to the very earth. My thoughts in a morning, the very instant they are awake, rush to the Brain & Heart and are set into violent action, just as the rush of wateron the opening of the flood gates of a [[windmill]] watermill would have on its wheel and causes the same agitation and uproar, measured & distracting. They were opened to him, But a few weeks before the holidays he was as open and as lighthearted as the Lark, industrious & happy. Sir, what am I? Am I the author of all this waste of Peace: this week of all I hold dear on earth? I would not think myself so wretched if I could avoid it. Edmund, Edmund, my poor affectionate Boy, oh why are you thus? I could write to you, Sir, often : but I do not. It is all I do or think about, and I know it is no avail - My head aches much. Am I wrong for thinking so much of him? His many good & steady qualities are countless. Ann looks ill, is [in] low [water] spirited and has only answered to questions. I have exerted myself to appear cheerful. Mrs Cotman is deeply watched. Her health is apparently better. But she will drop all at once, I know it, never to rise again. She, some time since, from agitation lost all recollection of us, did not know me, did not know her