The Cotman Letters 1804-1833

86
(pencil note) [ 21.6.26 & 22.6.26] appears a liquid fire and every fibre in my [[brain]] frame in violent agitation. In this state "Oh grave where is thy sting, oh where is thy victory?" Oh, no ! But for my family I would fly to thee for refuge. I have made all enquiries of my family, but their houses are full, as I was aware of. Ann & John are both to go with the shop in the Lane. But when that proposition was made they calculated that we should sleep [them], beyond all question.
Edmund, with every prospect of deserving success as a Draughtsman - fond of it and studious - almost in convulsions said he would go to any business, if I wished it! My life assurance is in jeopardy from distress and with that goes everything my poor, wretched family has to depend on. For myself, once thought their support, comfort & guide, can feel himself no longer in either capacity!
One consolation I have - the entire rectitude of my intentions towards them. If I have erred, it has been ignorantly and not wilfully. (pencil note in margin- his hand(see previous page -this erased))Oh could I once but recover the power of taking. If I sell my frames, my few books and furniture, what shall I get for them? Scarcely anything. You have consulted Mr Brightwen, perhaps? Do so. If possible point out clearly what I had best do by return of coach, and what are to be my prospects. For all hope on my part is dead.
Dear Sir,
Your obliged servant,
J. S. Cotman.
My state of mind is all the apology I can offer for thus thrusting my misery upon you.