The Cotman Letters 1804-1833

85
(pencil note) [To Dawson Turner Esq] [Norwich]

June 21. 1826.

Dear Sir
Mrs Drake writes me word through her attorney, Mr J.G. Fisher, that she agrees to my terms of £300 and to pay for the conveyance. Mr E. R. Palmer holds the writings of the estate. How am I to pay the mortgage, if I return ? The House will want coloring (sic) and painting and some other expenses I dare not venture to think of. I have but little more than my industry to depend on, and that has not supported me either here or at Yarmouth.
What prospect have I of success? What can I do? Oh sir, if you know, tell me, for I am so wretched and lost that I would do anything to preserve and keep my family from distruction.
(pencil note that underlined words in next paragraph-) This erased. his hand
But I assure you I see no prospect of success! The sight of the poor drowned young man and the escape of my son has given me firmness to a degree, but I am afraid it must ebb again. Point out but the way and I must follow and will never complain. Edmund is sadly distressed by the sight he witnessed, and is not himself. He has been so good - so quiet & industrious beyond his years that I feel to find I cannot save him quite terrifies me. The first glimpse I get of day on opening my eyes makes me tremble all over and burn as cold as if I had the ague.
Thursday morning.
Once more, Sir, I implore you, from the long knowledge you have had of me, to say what expectations I have in Yarmouth? Should both teaching here, & there too, fail !!! can there be anything for me to do or look for? 'Tis that I dread- What chance is there for me in any other City or Town? Can 20 scholars be found in Ipswich? This morning I awoke about 3, as usual. For the wretched, sleep is too great a blessing, and the terror of finding myself launching into another Day of musing, and beholding a Wife & Family despairing in quiet agony around me. My poor boy, parallised (sic) by his peculiar musing and incapable of going on with anything is too deep a scene of woe for me long to bear. My brain.